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Monday, 2 January 2012

So Near.... Yet So Far

Pooter had spent a restless night tossing and turning. Would his protegee 'Dave' Cameron deliver? Or would the 'glittering prize': that elusive place on the soft and supple red leather of the House of Lords evade him once more? No, it could not be...the 'nods and winks' from the political 'big beasts' had assured him the £42,000 a year for life as Lord Sir Pooter of Stanley, was within his grasping grasp....
Had not the PM himself, whose entire political career was down to Pooter, said cryptically, “wait and see, you will get what you deserve”.
Sleepy no more Pooter crept quietly to the kitchen. Making himself a full strength Ovalatine he pondered the future.
A Pondering Pooter
Surely that official 'phone call warning him to book himself in for a robe fitting at Messrs Ede and Ravenscroft could not have been a cruel hoax? And what about that poncy sounding chap from the College of Arms asking if Pooter had ideas for his armorials. Then to cap it all his old friend, Lord 'Porker' Hanningfield had called asking if he would like to buy his robes cheap. Pooter had put him firmly in his place.
Thinking about it the voice had that plummy, whisky seasoned timbre of the vengeful ex Mayor Mr 'Filthy' Phelps. Or could it have been that poor loser, Cllr Danny 'Boys' Moylan. Even through the elocution lessons Pooter could discern  a slight Brummie accent.
Both had reason to spite him. Both were jealous of his soaring to political greatness. Maybe they had been setting him up?
It could not be: Had he not tried to save Phelps's bacon over the vile emails?
But Mr Myers was right-Phelps had to go....
Suddenly he heard a movement outside the flat. Was it the Special Messenger from No 10 with the news he so desperately needed. Pooter’s heart leapt; 'Dave' had not forgotten him. With the £42k a year, plus the Leader's £70k, plus his £53k from the LGA he could plan for retirement.
The efforts he had made getting that York Stone laid and the magnolia trees planted were to be rewarded at last.
Steeling himself, Pooter opened the new B&Q 'Lord of the Manor' style door fitted in preparation for his elevation. His stomach dropped. Instead of the crisply dressed young messenger from No 10 his ex colleague, young ex Cllr Mark Daley stood there looking lost. He was most bizarrely dressed in baseball cap and with a satchel stuffed with envelopes. “What on earth are you doing here, Daley, I am expecting an important missive from No 10”. It then became clear. He remembered telling young Daley his political rehabilitation depended on delivering leaflets to members for the next 10 years. Sheepishly Daley handed Pooter his Association newsletter. Tears trickled down Pooter’s jowly cheeks. Politics was a cruel business.

Suddenly he heard the urgent tones of his special custom made red Leader's telephone: could this be the call?

"Sir Cockell, Babington here-the Worshipful Mayor's assistant. "Yes, make it snappy I am awaiting a call from the Prime Minister; the line must be kept clear"
Babington's message was far from welcome. "Sir, I understand that you have been lined up for the Mayoral Year ahead. Could you pop by for a fitting of the Mayoral robes? They need taking up a bit seeing as you is a bit shorter than her Lady Mayoresship".
Slamming down the phone Pooter burst into tears. Had not old Enoch Powell so wisely said, 'All political lives, unless they are cut off in midstream at a happy juncture, end in failure, because that is the nature of politics and of human affairs'?
How right Mr Powell had been. Oh, why had he not stepped down as Leader years ago.....but at least he got to use HIS Bentley again.......


  1. This is terrible news Dame. Can't you use you friendship with the Prime Minister to 'fix it for Pooter'.
    Will we never get rid of him?

  2. Dame, please don't tease, this is a joke, isn't it? The idea of Cockell smarming around in his Bentley - disappointed or not about the peerage - is just sick-making.

    And I thought Daley was still in the political gulag - whatever is the world coming to?

  3. Given that peers can be made at any time, but are normally announced in May and November, I wonder if Cockell is being put through water torture here, drip drip drip, it's driving him mad while it's all draining away!

    Maybe giving him the Mayoralty (if true, the Dame might be mischief-making)is a Trojan horse. He can't refuse it, but if he accepts it will have to forego his leadership, with no guarantee of what will happen afterwards!

    I can't exactly imagine him sitting on the back benches of the Council with Palmer and those other silly boys.

    Cruel perhaps, but I find it all rather funny.

  4. Lord Pooter is now on the horns of a dilemma. The plan was the peerage and the Mayoralty. This will be a very exciting Mayoral year, with the Queen's Diamond Jubilee and the Olympics and a front row seat at both. But accepting the Mayoralty would mean a significant drop in income, since he would have to stand down as Leader. And waiting until May in the hope of an announcement would almost certainly be too late to become Mayor. Yet his colleagues have made allowances for him before, so ... maybe, just maybe!

  5. Madam. I must protest at the disrespect shown to the gentlemen of the College of Arms - an institution of the greatest antiquity. I would have you know that along with is colleagues, my long term personal friend: the Garter King of Arms - the foremost Herald in the United Kingdom - is the very epitome of professional courtesy and charm. It is such a pity that the same cannot be said for the 'gentlemen' of Hornton College.

  6. Joke or no joke, it would be a travesty for Democracy if a freeloader like Cllr Cockell is given a Peerage

  7. The Hornet is read far and wide - helping to put the wider world in touch with exactly what kind of person is leading Kensington and Chelsea

  8. Kensington Resident3 January 2012 at 16:29

    It is high time for the electorate to articulate a yearning for the return to "service, self sacrifice and humility" for public servants.

    Service, self sacrifice and humility is the true basis for gongs and Peerages. The likes of Cllr Cockell have not earned the right to be rewarded in this way

  9. No news of Pooter's intention to move on from the K&C leadership - and preferably out of Hornton Street altogether.

    Is he trying to hang in there on the pretext of giving his wonder boy "Rock" more time to mature?

    Conservative Counciloors! Your Borough needs you to do your duty.....

  10. Who will rid us of this blight?

  11. Health & Safety Officer3 January 2012 at 22:38

    Taking up the Mayors robes and reducing them in girth (post Mills) so that they will snug the smaller Cllr Cockell is one thing.

    But we hope the robes were steam cleaned after disgraced ex Cllr Phelps left office


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