WestEnders

EPISODE X

On the Buses

Last week we heard of the Dear Leader's inspired attempt to pull the belt tightening rug from under the feet of 'Go Getter' Greenhalgh and his hard nosed team. Rather than 'cruising' down to the Hammersmith Town Hall in the Bentley he had persuaded 'Boyo' Moylan, 'Oirish' Ahern and 'The Brief' Mills to take a bus ride with him. He had second thoughts about involving Boy Marshall and Dotty Weatherhead, despite their whining, 'it's not fair'. 

Instead he had bought along Britain's only Native American UK economist, Cllr 'Big Finance Chief' Light Foot. That should impress Greenhalgh and Phibbs. Light Foot had even just published an unreadable tome called, "We Have No Money Left":not quite true in the case of the Rotten Borough, sitting on it's pile of over £250 million purloined from overtaxed residents.

Fitzpatrick in PR had managed to get some coverage but not quite what he wanted.

It started off bad and went downhill from there. The councillors all huddled round as the Number 10 pulled up outside M&S on High St Ken. They pushed and shoved and boarded the bus, but didnt know the fare. "Dont worry" Said Cockle, "I can use my card" but to his dismay not only did the machine not acknowledge it the driver was getting annoyed. 

"I dont care mate, we dont accept the Wedge Card" followed by the entire bus load of passengers looking quizzically at this card thing, wondering what it was.

Cllr Mills eventually came to the rescue, "You take Oyster" she said as Moylan was seen putting back into his wallet the corporate Amex. "Someone want an Oyster?" said Cllr Weatherhead delving into the M&S picnic hamper she brought along for the journey.

The sight of the Deputy Chairman of Tfl lighting up a Cockell West African Blend Special in the bus had caused a storm of protest. Clearly he did not know that smoking was banned. The Dear Leader was furious when the driver refused to move until Boyo put out his ciggy. And when Boyo started his 'don't you know who I am routine' the impertinent driver said,”yeah, you're Moylan's boy from the Brum bus service”.

The journey passed without event for the gloat of RBKC councillors. Quite the opposite for their fellow passengers, as they saw our elected members guzzling Pimms and munching through cucumber sandwiches delicately prepared by the catering service in Hornton Street singing "She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes peep peep". Cllr Moylan managed to sneak another fag sitting up the back hiding behind Cllr Mills who was discreetly reading a copy of the most unread publication in K&C, "The Royal Borough".

Arriving at Hammersmith, the Dear Leader led the team into the austere and shabby Town Hall reception: it certainly lacked the style and elan of his own Town Hall he sniffed to the others as it "ooozed socialism". At the reception he announced himself to the bored looking receptionist, “Hello Good Fellow, I am Sir Councillor Sir Merrick Sir Cockell, Leader of the Royal Borough, thats Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea.Take me to your Leader” Looking up from his Nutz magazine he gestured to a tired looking sofa. “Yeah, well Steve has popped out for his morning bacon sarnie;he won't be long. Make yerselves comfy” and returned to his copy of Nutz, that Cllr Williams of the RBKC group was eyeing jealously.

Minutes later Steve and the 'go getters' arrive back with smell of the bacon sarnies he had generously bought for the Summit Meeting filling the Civic Reception. The receptionist looked up and absently pointed to the Dear Leader team saying, "Steve, you got some visitors".

"Watcha' mate ' Where's yer Bentley?" said Cllr Greenhalgh, turning to his colleagues and laughing rather loudly.  Sniffly, the Dear Leader quickly put him right, "Oh, we came down by omnibus, which thanks to Cllr Moylan's power and influence, Tfl organised for us". He was pleased to try to showcase, despite the massive protests by residents about Boyo 'running with the hare and hunting with the hounds', that Boyo was able to deliver up an the odd old bus for residents.

What an ungrateful bunch they were. Did they not know how tirelessly The soon to be Bangkok Bound Councillor had lobbied Tfl on their behalf? Yet all they could do was moan about the cost of DHL's daily consignments of cheesecake and silk underwear to his humble holiday home.

With a sneer the go getter turned to Cllr Phibbs, 'well, at least we don't have to call him Milord'-a reference to his sad omission from the Working Peers List announced that day. The Dear Leader was so angry. The Glittering Prize of an ermine robe,a grand coat of arms AND importantly, more taxpayer funded allowances was for the moment out of reach.

The Baronessa had all but promised that he would be joining her on those leather benches; benches which for centuries had comforted some of Britain's most ample and celebrated bottoms. Suddenly a shadow of doubt clouded his brow...... “could La Baronessa have been double dealing him'? After all, young Dave was so impressed by her ability to get tickets for Madonna's concerts maybe she had swung the Local Government job.

Everything seemed to be going wrong. Even his faithful Town Clark seemed only to be thinking of whether all this merging might leave him without a job but with a massive payoff and £150,000 a year pension.

Find out next week!