Sunday, 3 October 2010
"Off to Brum"
A 3 part Special.
ACT 1 SCENE 1: Int/Day - Town Hall Members Room.
There is a huge melee of councillors all scrabbling around huddled together trying to get to the front to examine a sheet of paper pinned to the wall. There is much pushing and shoving. Cllr Carouana is sat in a chair knitting, and outside the window looking in is a rather forlorn Malcolm Spalding.
ACT1 SCENE 2 Int/Day - Civic Reception.
Reception staff are dealing with a person who has come in claiming to be a member but has no pass. The person is Cllr Moylan
RECSTAFF: I dont care who you say you are, without a pass you cant come in
DM: [nonplussed - speaks very quietly and slowly Alan Rickman style] I dont have it with me [takes an exceptionally slow drawal from his Cuban Diplomat cigar]
RS: Well, you cant come in, and its no smoking in here Sir
DM: [mimicking Alec Guiness' Obi-Wan mind wave] There is nothing of interest here [it doesnt work]
RS: Is there anyone who can verify your identity?
Cllr Buckmaster strolls through reception and Cllr Moylan calls him over.
DM: Tell this fellow who I am
RS: Do you know this person Cllr Buckmaster?
CB: [in "Jim" from Vicar of Dibley style] No, No No, No No, No No, No No, No. Yes.
RS: Who is it then please?
CB: No, No No, No No, No No, No, its Cllr Moylan
RS: [to DM] Ahhhhhh so it is you, sorry we dont get to see you so often in the flesh [everybody shudders]
Without a further word, DM turns and glides off upstairs, he seems to be walking on a cushion of air, puffing elegantly on his cuban cigar as he goes. CB and the reception staff look on.
ACT1 SCENE 3: Int/Day - Members Room
The melee of councillors has become larger. Cllr Carouana is still knitting, and outside we can see Spalding walking away, every ten paces he turns and looks back for a few seconds before continuing. One by one the councillors realise that the lights in the corridor are going off section by section, they turn to look at the door just as DM comes in.
The paper everyone was trying to see is the transport and bunk arrangements for Party Conference.
DM: [in Alan Rickman style] So, its here then [he glides over to the melee who part for him, and he looks at the paper pinned to the wall]. Hmmm I see. [He scans it carefully]. So Cockell is going first class, the rest of you... ...hmmm and I am going up alone? [He looks around for confirmation no one answers] What about my luggage?
Someone in the crowd says sheepishly: We thought you'd want it couriered
DM: So no one wants to travel up with me, is that right? [Silence] I said is that right
Cllr Buckmaster enters the room
CB: No, no, no no, no no, no no, no. Yes.
END OF PART ONE