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Tuesday, 19 October 2010


Episode 3, Part 3

Fags to Ritchies

ACT3 SC3: Ext/Day Driving Back from Conference

There was bit of a tight squeeze in the Bentley as it tore down the MI heading homeward to Hornton Towers.Up front, next to Spalding the chauffeur sat Cllr 'Lofty" Palmer with Cllr "Boy" Marshall perched on his lap in a safety harness playing with his XBox and looking with pride at his Conference Programme signed by Dave.
The Conference had been exhausting but fears that Ex Mayor Phelps would appear- Banquo Ghost like- had not materialised.

Cllr Moylan flipped open the richly inlaid and laden cocktail cabinet and took out a bottle of Paddies 40 year old Special RBK&C Reserve Irish whiskey and poured a generous measure into the glistening Baccarat crystal tumbler. With an exotic swoop of his hand he flipped a Cockell's Special West African blend cigarette into mouth. Taking an extravagant puff he reclined into the sumptuous Connolly hide and turned his attention upon the half dozing figure of the Dear Leader tucked up under a sheer cashmere Bentley monogrammed rug

DM: Hmmmm smooth, but I am not sure its the best?
MC: [trying to impress] I know I prefer a pint of mineral water
DM: [distinctly unimpressed] Really. You know you can get good wine and spirits from Tesco. I have a cellar
MC: So do I! No wine in it though, an old bike, some smokeless fuel, and two packets of cement, gone hard.

Squashed next to the Dear Leader was La Baronessa “Sweetie” Ritchie busily calculating her new Lords allowances and those from the Council. She shielded her calculations from the Dear Leader still smarting from his exclusion from the Lords. Snapping shut her House of Lords monogrammed expense calculator she turned to the Great Architect with a glacial stare befitting her status as ex mum in law of Madonna

SR: Merrick, we cannot go on like this. Our Council is becoming a laughing stock. What with Daniel having his silk smalls sent out by DHL to Thailand and you spending all that money at the Four Seasons in New York people are beginning to think we are just High Society not Big Society people. We need an image makeover. David is very unhappy with us and so is that awfully vulgar plump man Pickles.
MC: [confused] who?
SR: I propose setting up a sub committee to see how we can promote a lean, mean and keen new image. I have invited Councillor Greenhalgh of Hammersmith and Fulham and Cllr Lister of Wandsworth to meet us for a discreet dinner to tell us how they get so much good press coverage. And Guy will bring along some of his show business friends to help our deliberations.
MC: Who?

The Great Architect splashed more of the RBK&C Reserve whiskey into his empty glass as Spalding allowed the monstrous V20 engine to lap up the miles at 4 to the gallon.

DM: [defensively] Well, buying this car was not my idea and I never get to use it since Merrick took it over it's not fair, he said we could all use it

A steely glance from La Baronessa reduced him to a sulky, impotent silence.

SR: Nick, I expect you to take charge of the campaign; losing Earls Court to that ghastly Wade woman was the final straw.We need a strategy and we need it now

Silently the glass driver's partition slid open and they see "Lofty" Palmer's head descend from the sun roof and through to the assembled company in the back.
MP: Hello Team, what about these ideas?

Knowing that Lofty had been on The Apprentice they wait with bated breath.

MP: How about Cllr Moylan appearing on 'Celebrity Come Dancing' paired with La Baronessa, and our Dear Leader on 'Would I lie to you' on ITV 1" ?. With all my telly contacts I could fix it.
MC: But what would Moylan do?
MP: Well, I hear the I'm a Celebrity are considering moving to Thailand to shoot the next series?
DM: [Alan Rickman style] Shoot who?

Suddenly Cllr Marshall lets out a shriek, he just completed the second level on Tomb Raider.

Everyone: [to Cllr Marshall] Stupid boy

A voice-over then starts, and everyone looks at each other and then looks above them trying without success to locate the source
VO: Can La Baronessa and 'Nasty' Nick Paget-Brown rescue the Leadership from it's crisis. Will Lofty's ideas work and can Philbeach Residents Association run by Spalding's friend, Mr Jenks form a Danny Moylan Fan Club. What sort of people is La Baronessa going to invite to dynamise the Great Leader ? Tune in next time and find out...


WestEnders is filmed in front of an almost live audience, luckily none of them are voters in K&C.

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