Our man in Beijing

Dave-the-rave and his entourage are now safely ensconced in China, last seen scurrying around the booze aisle of Tesco in Beijing desperately searching out the Gordons Gin to replensh the Embassys drinks cabinet having emptied it the night before.

Of course publicly the reason for this junket is to promote British businesses and encourage inward investment in the UK from our Chinese friends.

But Hornet has received a secret memo and faithfully reproduces it here....